Self, Role and Relationships
How do you deal with the duality of existential aloneness and existential connectedness?
Arvind is fiercely independent. He strongly believes that it is everyone’s responsibility to look after his/her well-being and interests. He believes that dependence on others, cripples a person and undermines his/her agency. Arvind takes great pride in the fact that what ever he has achieved in life is through his own efforts and that he has never had to leverage relationships, in order to get ahead. He believes that every person has a right to his/her privacy, which must be respected. People around him think of him as self-absorbed but not selfish. No one has ever accused him of using other people in any manner.
For Vikas, relationships are top priority. He has taken great care to keep in touch with most of his childhood friends, school and college batchmates, members of his extended family, colleagues from workplace and several others who he met on different occasions. Anyone who has met him more than once, is almost certain to receive festive greetings from Vikas. He is always ready to extend a helping hand to anyone who may seek it. In the process, he sometimes overextends himself and is unable to fulfil all his commitments. However, people forgive him easily because his intent and goodwill are never in question.
Ramesh is extremely conscious of his duties and responsibilities. He also is a man of his words. While he is careful in making commitments, once he has agreed to do something, he always does. He believes that clarity of expectations is the bedrock of human relations. Since we all have to live together, it is imperative that we must have clarity on what to expect from others as also what is expected of us. He is hugely respected, but people also feel unsure about what he truly feels and thinks, but one thing they can bet upon is that Ramesh will always be true to his word and will fulfil all his commitments.
A part of Arvind, Vikas and Ramesh resides within all of us. Sometimes they live in perfect harmony and sometimes they are at loggerheads with each other. Vikas keeps reminding Arvind that no man is an island, and Arvind keeps reminding Vikas that everyone must stand on her/his own feet. Whenever Arvind talks of the principles of liberty and equality, Vikas reminds him of the virtues of fraternity. Ramesh often becomes the peace maker reminding both of them of the need for balance, which can only be achieved through clarity of roles and mutual expectations. Many times, in this process, Ramesh becomes so overpowering that both Arvind and Vikas feel suffocated and tell Ramesh that he has just become a captive of his roles and has stopped living.
This inner drama is a manifestation of the basic human duality of existential aloneness and existential connectedness. Each one of us comes into this world alone and will depart alone. Thus, we must take responsibility for our own fate and destiny, gain mastery over our life, muster all our resources and deploy them for our best interest. On the other hand, each one of us is born into a context and will leave behind a context. No matter how hard we may try, we can never be self-sufficient and will always be dependent on others. Thus, we have no choice but to pay utmost importance to our relationships and make them stronger.
This duality between existential aloneness (Arvind) and existential connectedness (Vikas) is resolved through sanctity of roles (Ramesh). Roles lay down the roadmap for engaging with others, set boundaries to our autonomy and protect us from excessive demands from others. However, Roles begin to acquire a life of their own and sometimes become oppressive for both Self and Relationships. It is not uncommon to find people who are so rigid and obsessed with their Role demands that they subjugate both their own needs and desires as also pay little attention to feelings of others, except fulfilling role expectations.
The relationship between Self, Role and Relationships is unique for each person. There are people whose primary preoccupation is with Self and Relationships and are not bothered by Role sanctity—a benevolent autocrat is a typical example of this phenomenon. Then there are people who focus on Self and Roles with scant concern for how it impacts relationships—a stern disciplinarian is a typical example. There are also people who devote themselves to Roles and Relationships at huge cost to themselves—a loyal committed servant being a typical example.
While some of these are extreme cases, most of us have our own nuanced and unique way of dealing with these three basic dimensions of human existence.
In the EUM framework the relative emphasis a person places on each of these dimensions is mapped through the first three Universes. Nature of engagement with the Universe of Belonging and Protection tells us about how the person looks at Relationships. The Universe of Strength and Desire throws light on the person’s engagement with the Self. The Universe of Roles and Boundaries shows how the person looks at Role sanctity. When the engagement with these three Universes is put together, we can get interesting insights into how the person is currently engaging with the duality of existential aloneness and existential connectedness, and what he/she wishes to do about it.
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