The Battle Within: Self vs. Context
I am humbled by the courage of many individuals, men and women, who come to me seeking help via therapeutic work.
Aside from being a consultant and a coach, I am also a certified psychotherapist and have been practicing for a while. In this connection, I am humbled by the courage of many individuals, men and women, who come to me seeking help via therapeutic work. They are professionals from various fields who are successful in their chosen field, well-educated, and have made a mark for themselves in the profession. The significance here is that these individuals, despite their success, have the courage to realise the fragmentation and alienation of the self and take the first steps towards working with issues and living a more integrated life.
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These Individuals, who could be any one of us, usually report issues of anxiety, restlessness, trouble in intimate relationships, feeling helpless, feeling angry with the self and with others, feeling anchorless, etc.
Some of their issues are around a fragile sense of self but also around fragmented relatedness with caregivers or parents who were expected to protect, nurture, and help build a healthy sense of self for the child. It’s not that they were not protected or not loved, but perhaps in order to protect, the caregivers missed seeing the whole person and saw them through the lenses of gender, social culture, and often through a masculine frame of reference. As a result, the caregivers projected vulnerability, lack of sensibility, and repression of sexuality onto them. In this note, I am referring to female clients in particular.
By the time these individuals grew up, they introjected the lenses of the caregivers and the cultural context they came from, some of which are:
If I were to act for myself, i.e., give voice to my femininity, my desire, and my arousal (could be for adventure, sexuality, or affection), I would be rejected, or I would reject the context.
Violence (emotional) towards myself is acceptable whether it is generated by me or by others. (In this context, violence is not always physical and can be an experience of coldness, of not being seen as a whole person, of not being recognised for one’s specific qualities or traits, of being criticised for one’s vulnerabilities. This emotional violence creates a more profound imprint on the psyche).
Why are my boundaries either too tight or too lax, and why don’t I know where to start or stop?
What makes my thoughts repetitive and highly judgemental towards myself?
Why do I not get what I want from people who are close to me? Why do I even want these from them? Why cannot I accept things as they are?
How do I deal with the shame of being me? I am unlovable and unacceptable.
These then give rise to the following resolves or intents for oneself, and they are not necessarily connected with one another.
(a) I cannot trust any system, for all systems will ultimately disappoint me. I cannot even trust myself most of the time. Everyone is working towards self-interest, and so must I. But my need for intimacy, love, and affection does not go away, and it is torturous.
(b) To receive love and affection, I cannot have too many boundaries, even if that sometimes impacts my innate sense of well-being. I do not do this consciously, but perhaps this is how I end up behaving.
(c) I expect to be cherished, loved, and adored, but I find it difficult to ask for it but offer it to my significant others at times. Often, I wish to be the “centre of their universe” and berate myself for thinking such an “impractical thought,” but my desire does not go away.
(d) I am responsible and dependable, and I should be able to control my emotions and be self-dependent on all kinds of resources. I ought to be the emotional infrastructure for others.
(e) I wish to be valued, but I know that while I will be valued for my competencies, I may not be valued for my intrinsic self.
(f) That I should not complain about any unhappiness to them or others and that being resolute is what I have always been valued for.
What is missing is a healthy relationship with the self.
However, in order to build this relationship, one has to review and reorient-reorganise the experiences that one has had and build one’s perspectives and emotional infrastructure.
This effort is often the most painful part of the exploration. This usually brings up confronting the judge, the victim, and the executioner within oneself. All of these are immersed in a quagmire of experiences in their growing-up process. Often, going back to experiences of growing up makes people believe that (especially in the Indian context) this will make the parents look “bad” to the therapist. They also genuinely and desperately wish to believe that some of those things did not happen and that the problem lies with them.
“After all, these things happen to everyone, so why would I be different”?
The central thread, as I see it, is the difficulty individuals face in reconciling the Universe of Belonging and Protection (UBP) and the Universe of Strength and Desire (USD). The UBP represents our need for security, acceptance, and belonging, while the USD symbolises our desire for independence, strength, and self-expression. Although their coping mechanisms differ, they all share the belief that these two needs cannot coexist. This belief can lead to self-punishment and a constant refrain of “Why am I like this?” or “Why do I feel like this?”
This gives rise to various coping mechanisms to manage the tension between these two seemingly conflicting needs. Some may lean heavily towards conforming to group norms to satisfy their need to belong, while others might prioritise their independence to affirm their unique identity. For instance, a person might suppress their desires to fit into societal norms, or they might distance themselves from others to maintain their independence. Regardless of the approach, the underlying challenge remains that one must choose between belonging and being one’s own person. This also leads to self-criticism and a punitive attitude towards oneself. Individuals often question their worth and wonder why they feel conflicted, perpetuating a cycle of self-recrimination.
In modern times, this tension has become particularly acute. Society places a significant premium on individual agency, often celebrating self-sufficiency and personal achievement. However, there is also an underlying sense of shame, smallness, and vulnerability associated with acknowledging the need for belonging. This societal pressure can make it even more challenging to balance these needs, as individuals may feel ashamed or inadequate for desiring acceptance and connection.
Maturation involves learning to navigate and integrate the needs of UBP and USD by recognising that these needs can coexist and finding ways to balance them; individuals can move towards greater self-acceptance and personal fulfilment. This integration is critical in contemporary society, where the pressure for individual agency often conflicts with the natural human need for belonging. Encouraging cultural shifts, generating greater self-awareness, compassion, and empathy towards the self, and fostering supportive environments can help individuals manage this tension more effectively.
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